Ladies! Do you wish your boobs could look more like a prolapsed nutsack? You don’t? That’s disappointing.
Because we’re pretty sure that was what Victoria Beckham was shooting for in her new advert for Emporio Armani underwear. OK - do any of you ladies want to turn your boyfriends on by giving them the chilling impression that your skin could peel off leaving behind a metallic, hydraulically-operated endoskeleton? Still no? Victoria Beckham isn’t doing great here, is she?
What about a pencil drawing of a toddler as sketched by an uncomfortably horny teenager? No? Oh well. Sorry Victoria Beckham. We tried.
They say that the computer is the invention capable of making the most mistakes without dying, but that’s clearly rubbish. It’s Victoria Beckham. Victoria Beckham is the invention capable of making the most mistakes without dying. Virtually everything that Victoria Beckham has done in the last few years has been a terrible, anguished, soul-eroding mistake.
Victoria Beckham’s attempts to become a television presenter? Mistake. Victoria Beckham’s entire relocation to America? Mistake. Victoria Beckham’s Spice Girls reunion? Short-lived mistake. Victoria Beckham’s new haircut? Mistake that makes her look like a male paedophile with an eating disorder.
But despite all this, there are a few things that Victoria Beckham excels at. There’s her career as a fashion designer, for instance, which is enormously successful in its own right and has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that her husband is one of the most famous men on the planet with a salary so offensively large that it can subsidise whatever ridiculous vanity projects her brain decides to arbitrarily fart out. And then there’s twatting about in a bra.
Victoria Beckham is brilliant at twatting about in a bra. She’s proved it before - roughly every time she feels that public interest in her is dwindling, she’ll whack on a lacy bra and flop about for a photographer like a dehydrated toilet floatball - and she’s proved it again now with a new poster for Emporio Armani underwear.
There’s not a lot to say about Victoria Beckham’s new underwear advert, really, except that the part of Victoria Beckham seems to be played by Otzi The Iceman and that as the picture was being taken Victoria seems to be trying to remember what number comes after two. But still, at least Victoria Beckham took the advert more seriously than anyone on the planet, which is to say she actually gave it more than a second of passing thought. Hello reports:
“I was so excited about doing this and I worked out really hard,” the mum-of-three said at the unveiling of the campaign in New York on Wednesday. “I’ve been doing a lot of running because… I look OK but if I am going to be taking my clothes off then I wanted to tone up a little bit! So I’ve worked hard to have the confidence to do it.”
And, really, fair play to her. Victoria Beckham was only paid £12 million to be in the Armani campaign, so it’s great that she showed willingness to tone up for it. We heard that Victoria Beckham doesn’t usually get out of bed for that sort of money.
Actually, that’s not strictly true - she can’t get out of bed because she’s too enfeebled to physically move the duvet from on top of her with her tiny wizened arms - but it’s close enough.
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