We are gathered here today to remember the first vanquished contestant in American Idol’s Top 12. Veils down! Mascara running! Kara DioGuardi weeping into Simon Cowell’s chest before motorboating it! The voting public picked the wrong chirper, but contracts state that Randy Jackson must shoot somebody in the throat, and America voted for the following (wrong) victim. Spoiler ahead!
Lacey Brown
Legacy: Ms. Brown combined the chickadee coo of a Cracker Barrel waitstaff with the haircut of a professional babysitter. Her youthful reserve gave way to her old soul, and old everything. Since she’s 58. Or 62. The age where you give up fannypacks but don’t part with the Scooby Doo leather jacket. 66. Nice girl though.
We Will Miss Most: Her quest to sit down even during a standing-encouraged performance. The triumphant second chorus of “Ruby Tuesday” was no match for her floor-hungry ass. That was beginner sitting for her. She’d sit during a “Locomotion/Hokey Pokey/Jump Around” medley. She’d pop a squat during Flo Rida’s “Low” right at the start, when getting that low hasn’t occurred to most shorties yet. Then she’ll observe, “That’s weird, I was sitting down already,” with hurtful elitism.
What Could’ve Been: According to Lacey herself during last night’s episode, she considered a country career. I’d have loosened my rhinestone corset for a good cry during her “Before He Cheats” rendition. Ryan would’ve thrown to guest-judge Dolly Parton, who’d wait a beat and then sputter, “Wait a minute, wait a minuet. Lacey? Lacey BROWN? Lacey Brown, is that you?! Girl, it’s Dolly! You lived by Stony River Joe before the laws came! I remember the Pigeon Forge Margarine Dame Pageant like it was yesterday. Your bouquet of daisies and long rocks had even the clergy hooting, not to mention the children, from the crossroads on up to the basketball field. You had all the boys then, girl! And their ferret emblem handkerchiefs. (Wink.)”
Closing Remarks: Lacey Brown, you gifted us with many “tender dawg” moments, as the Unholy Rev. Randy Jackson might note, but you mostly gave us serviceable takes on classic karaoke jams. That’s all we really wanted. Well done, and happy hunting trails, Lady Bird.
Written by Louis Virtel
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