'Idol' virgin: The judges have rock(s) in their ears

Does Adam Lambert have the judges on his payroll or have they just never heard Led Zeppelin sung outside a karaoke bar?!


That was a horrible version of "Whole Lotta Love" Tuesday night on "American Idol."

Sure, he hit the notes a guy would go for if he'd learned Led Zeppelin from a book.

But where was the nuance?

Where were the blue notes?

Where was the sense that this guy even gets why Robert Plant is such a brilliant singer for this task at hand?

There were so many spots where I found myself missing the little details in that Plant performance - the bends, the slides, the way he phrased the line "Way down inside," which may, in fact, have been the weakest part of Adam's whole performance. And that second verse?! It felt like every cheesy second-generation metal band that ever tried to be Led Zeppelin and failed just as miserably.

For this, he gets a hot and bothered Kara shouting "Rock god" like she'd know the difference anyway?

I'm gonna say it, yeah. Go back to schoolin'.

This was Adam's worst performance - shrill and soulless - since he butchered "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction."

Or the one that left me most annoyed.

He did redeem himself a bit when he and Allison teamed up and let their inner Mick and Tina - or Tina and Tina - take the wheel on Foghat's "Slow Ride," proving he could maybe hold a candle to Lonesome Dave Peverett of Foghat if not Robert Plant.

As for Allison, she made the most of rock night, as expected, holding up much better to potentially unflattering comparisons with a heartbreaking version of "Cry Baby" as Janis Joplin did it. It was so close to Joplin, in fact, I can't believe she didn't have the judges shouting "Karaoke!" from the rooftops. But she wore it well, with an achingly soulful delivery and a vulnerability I doubt she could have managed, say, a month ago. And there was something truly magical about the way she phrased "Oh honey, welcome back home."

At the opposite end of the "built for rock night" spectrum stood the other two contestants - Kris and Danny, who were made to sing together and given unlimited access to the greatest rock songs ever, somehow decided on "Renegade" by Styx. It was awful, but Danny was better than Kris, for what's it worth, as Simon later noted.

At the time, I typed, "They should have done a Beatles song."

But that's before I heard Kris Allen's take on "Come Together."

Granted, Kris is no John Lennon, who remains the greatest singer rock and roll has ever known. But even by his own non-rocking standards, it was pretty bland and lifeless, draining every ounce of soul and edginess from one of Lennon's greatest rockers.

If he makes it through this week, he's cuter than I think.

As for his duet partner, Danny Gokey, well, you've got to give the guy a merit badge for courage. I'm not sure what made him think he'd sound good screeching out those high notes at the end of Aerosmith's "Dream On." Or what it was about that song that made him think, "I ought to scat here." But the only part that played to any of his strengths was the opening verse, on which his soulful rasp felt right at home.

I think he'll make it through, though, with Kris Allen getting voted off. And to his credit, he set up the biggest Kara blooper of the season (which is really saying something).

She told him she saw him more as "early Aerosmith," like "Cryin'" or "Crazy."

You know, songs that hit the streets a good two decades after "Dream On . . . ."

What a fool.

I'd rank this week's performances in the following order: Allison, Danny, Adam, Kris. But Allison was way out front. And I don't even like her, really.